BornWilder

Author. Certified Coach. Catalytic Speaker

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On Leading

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In my early twenties, a friend of a friend needed volunteers to take a personality test for her psychology class. I answered questions sitting on our mutual friend’s couch, and some weeks later the acquaintance handed over her analysis of my answers. The only personality trait I remember was the one I didn’t see within myself: leader.

To me, leaders were the people in charge. The one’s standing at podiums speaking to crowds, making laws and scientific discoveries, shepherding adults and children into unwritten optimistic futures. The leaders-in-making were those in the crowds and in the classrooms.

I worked in a local restaurant and I wasn’t in college. One weekend, I almost ran away from society with the nomads in the Rainbow Family. And, I had spent two weeks in jail (over the course of seven weekends) for a DUI, and reckless driving, that caused a friend’s serious injuries (hence the allure of running away).

I couldn’t have felt further away from “leader” than I did in my early twenties.

Citizen-leader

During the same time, I devoured any words, whether in book or song, to learn what it meant to live a meaningful life. Ironically, one of my favorite passages in the Stephen Mitchell translation of Lao Tzu’s, Tao Te Ching, was on leadership. I was first attracted to this line: “When the Master governs, the people / are hardly aware that he exists.” What? I could serve and support others without being known or seen? A dream come true!

Today, I’m thinking about leadership as a result of pondering what it means to be a citizen. Peter Block, in his book Community: The Structure of Belonging, says, “A citizen is one who produces the future, someone who does not wait, beg, or dream the future.” This sounds like leadership to me. So, if citizens are leaders themselves, then Lao Tzu’s teaching reaches even broader than I first realized. Citizen-leaders already do the work without being known or seen. They’re deliberate and conscientious down to the smallest scale. Therefore, my decision to face my civic responsibility did exhibit leadership. I didn’t just not run away, I chose to be accountable, and more importantly, to learn from the experience.

All by ourselves

I also chose to work on emotional strength, a piece that is often overlooked in society after the court fines are paid and the community service is complete. Yet, the emotional component is the wound that takes the longest to heal and is largely invisible to bystanders. It’s also invaluable to emotional resilience and personal growth, two strong qualities for a citizen, leader, and citizen-leader.

When I whittled through all the emotions I had in the aftermath of my DUI and my friend’s injuries, at the core was my personal shame. So I faced it. I’m talking, moment-to-moment, year-after-year, worked to rectify my shame until I embraced acceptance. And I did eventually embrace acceptance. A lot of my forthcoming writing addresses my process, including the healing I received from repetitious mundane domestic tasks.

I may never be a leader in the common definition, but I’m not afraid to be seen or known anymore. Facing my shame has everything to do with it. For now, I continue to learn from Lao Tzu and Block: I pursue action; I strive to provide space for others to be their best selves; I lead my life instead of it leading me.

The Master doesn’t talk, he acts.
When his work is done,
the people say, “Amazing:
we did it, all by ourselves!”

Tao Te Ching

Quote and photo by author. All rights reserved.

On Self Care

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nevada desert with blue sky and word art y'all

Instead of a new year’s resolution, my husband and I chose a motto for 2019. Yes, we want to tighten up the diet and solidify an exercise routine, but we’re striving for more. And that “more” isn’t simply more reps, more water, more sleep. We want to expand how we think about caring for our selves. To step back, see our lives in a bigger picture, and shift our perspectives. We want to find balance.

Self-marriage-family-friends-community-work balance.

2019 motto: Self Care

I’m busy in new and wonderful ways this year. For starters, there’s kindergarten and career growth, which is more then enough so I’ll stop there. Raising children is a teeter-totter inside a Gravitron. (You say seesaw, I say teeter-totter.) Career growth is climbing an oil-slick ladder on a trampoline. It’s all just walking through a dark room and stepping on tiny Lego pieces. (I could go on…)

There are also many things that I love to do and many more that I want to accomplish. Skills I want to learn, causes I want to be more involved with, and a backyard I hope to transform. Each want and responsibility stands before me, waiting for action. How do I do it all? Can I do it all?

Self Care Reminds Me

Slow down. Step back. See the whole forest. It’s difficult to maintain balance when I focus solely on the trees.

I’m 44 now. My forest has a lot of trees. When I step back I see them all in their varying stages of growth. I also see hills and valleys, flowers and thorns, rivers and rocks. Self Care is remembering that I’ve had balance in my life, that the feeling of “too much of this” and “not enough of that” is fleeting. Sure, I need to re-balance, shift things around, and let go. But it takes time. Imbalance isn’t permanent. But it is important. Taking the time to realign personal goals–reassess where I’ve been, appreciate where I am, and define where I want to go–provides clarity. And clarity is a solid reset button.

There’s also the foundation to the forest. The morals and beliefs I have cultivated over the years, that I live by every day. The ones that hold my feet to the fire and keep me strong. It’s imperative to make certain I’m aligning my growing and changing life with my founding principles.

Self Care is complicated. It’s messy. And it’s fun. I find it helpful to plant sapling seeds as soon as I have them. I do my best to tend the seeds as they grow, making sure the soil is rich with nutrients. Self Care is not being afraid to look inside myself, to know who I am and what I need. Embrace the strengths and surrender to the weaknesses. To not just be okay with my voice but proud of it.

Here’s a list I have on my desk for this year. It’s a reminder to nurture all aspects of my life. I didn’t come up with it but it speaks to my most basic needs:

Water, rest, repeat.
Laundry, poetry, repeat.
Love, long-walks, repeat.

– from Chani Nicholas

Do you have a Self Care list? If not, what would you put on it? What does your soil–your foundation–require in order to keep your forest thriving?

Self Care Inspiration

2019’s motto is inspired by rap artist, Mac Miller’s song, “Self Care.” His life and death impacted my eldest son, T, and therefore, impacted my husband and me.

Miller’s music was raw and personal. He didn’t shy away from addressing his struggle with addiction and depression. When he released, Swimming, his latest (and last) album in Aug. 2018, a month before he overdosed, T heard self-reflection, reconciliation, and even, hope. T wanted nothing more than for Miller to prevail, to be a strong voice, to continue helping him (and others) in life and in his own music. It’s been a hard blow. But, we do what we can in times like these: we listen and we learn.

If you have a few minutes (or seventeen), watch Miller’s Tiny Desk Concert on NPR Music. It’s a beautiful glimpse of his kind and boyish personality, and how his music does what art does best, tell the deeper story.

Quote and photo by author. All rights reserved.


On Choice

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dressed up mannequins in storefront
A few years ago, an ER doctor asked me if my mother was DNR. Mom was in cardiac arrest. The doctor and I stood in the hallway, just outside of Mom’s room. I answered with Mom’s wishes: Yes. (She had spent the previous eight months battling squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsils.)

The doctor confirmed by asking, So, a natural death?

Natural death?

I understand the clinical use of natural death, as opposed to accidental, suicide, or homicide. (Here’s a brief article by Live Science that explains it well.) Yet, in the moment between the doctor’s question and my answer, I thought about the role choices play in shaping a life. And, how all the choices one makes, lead up to a final descriptor. In Mom’s case: natural death.

This may seem like a lot to think about in that brief emotionally charged moment. Made all that more intense by deciding to grant Mom’s wishes, which meant telling a doctor to let Mom die right then and there. But, Mom was a lifetime smoker, starting back in her high school days. She died at the age of 68, which is over 50 years of inhaling carcinogens. She also enjoyed her alcohol. (Two main risk factors in her specific cancer.) Therefore, the thought about life choices was simply an extension of thoughts I had been battling as her caregiver.

Living Choices

Since the age of twenty, I have scrutinized choice. Its definition. How and why choices are made. For example, is it the last choice that matters, or all the accumulating decisions that lead up to that final defining moment? And, where does the fine line of accountability lie? 

I would say, most choices are small, often overlooked, everyday decisions. They reside in what I describe as a gray area–there’s no immediate extreme scenario. And extreme scenarios, whether celebratory or traumatic, garner the most attention. Our current social climate is a byproduct of our focus on extremes. What society defines as important, is what attracts the most attention.

I would argue that the gray area is of great importance; it is where most people spend the majority of their time. I’m not saying that decisions made in extreme scenarios are unimportant. I am saying, every choice we make becomes our life choices.

Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.” The present moment is where choices are made. And, just like when a prosecutor decides whether to charge someone with voluntary or involuntary manslaughter, intent matters.

Looking Forward

In 2019, Barely South Review will publish my first true-blue creative nonfiction essay. Within the essay’s main story (which takes place the day Mom died), I open up a piece of my life that I have attempted to tell for the past 24 years. There’s a countless number of entry points into the telling of a story. For years I struggled in choosing one. My mother’s illness and death is where I found my way.

Mom never apologized for who she was, and she insisted I do the same for myself. Though our relationship, at times, was tough, I am grateful that she became the entry point I needed to tell a difficult story. Her life is newly entwined with mine. It’s so Mom, to be stubborn and ornery right up until the end that I wanted to pull my hair out, and still teaching me lessons.  

burning man temple at night 2018
Some light for the Northern Hemisphere’s Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. Courtesy of the temple at Burning Man 2018, and festive burners.

Excerpt from “Where Are We Going After This,” an essay forthcoming in Barely South Review, Spring 2019.

Photos taken by author. All rights reserved.

On Dreams

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woman walking along down road in mountainsIt’s half way through 2018. A lot has shifted since setting goals for this year.

The main thing that’s shifted is my professional focus.

Come September, instead of growing my web design business, I will focus on writing and building my writing career. It’s interesting that even as I wrote that last sentence, it felt right to talk of a web design business but not of a writing career. What is it that makes me feel more assured in tacking words like “business” and “career” onto a profession that is more culturally aligned to those descriptors? Is it too presumptuous to want a writing career? What is a writing career anyway?

I’m figuring out what a writing career is to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time on the craft of writing. I’ve spent less time on the business of writing. In college there was no course available (that I knew of) on how to be an artist who makes a living in the world. I’ve learned all I know from my former boss, Architect Ligon Flynn, and my friend, Karin Wiberg of Clear Sight Books (who is also an amazing poet). I’ve filled in the gaps with research, and brainstorming with friends and fellow writers, Suzanne Farrell Smith and Claire Guyton.

New Events Page

In light of my new trajectory, I’ve created an Events page. Not so much putting the cart before the horse–I have three events scheduled through the rest of 2018. I’ve gotta start somewhere, right?

The main reason I created the Events page, is to put into motion this thing that I want to accomplish: public speaking. Whether it is a poetry reading, presenting at a Meetup Group, sitting on a conference panel, or, (as it so happens) giving a sermon, my next professional phase involves speaking in public.

One day I will be facilitating workshops, and speaking at a local TEDx Raleigh or TEDx Greensboro conference. Maybe I end up on the large TEDx stage. Who knows. I’ve accepted over this last while that I have a lot to say. Some of it will be really hard to talk about at first. But all of it is necessary. At least to me. And that’s all anyone has to go on.

Privacy Policy Update

On May 25, 2018 the European Union (EU) put into effect the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) for all individuals within the EU and the European Economic Area (EEA). The primary goal of the GDPR is, according to Wikipedia, “to give control to citizens and residents over their personal data and to simplify the regulatory environment for international business by unifying the regulation within the EU.”

To comply with the GDPR, I have a added a Privacy Policy.

If you ever want to opt out of receiving blog posts, just click “Unsubscribe” in the email. I would never sell or give anyone your name or information for any purpose without your consent.

If you’re not signed up and want to, the signup form is below. I’d love to share with you.

Thank You

Thank you for sticking with me as I figure this whole writing career out. The image quotes were a much needed start in putting this blog together. They won’t go away altogether, but there will be more writing involved.

It’s both invigorating and unsettling to have so much experience and expertise under my belt, and still feel like I’m just beginning. Maybe this is what the elders mean when they say they feel younger than their years. As long as we have things to look forward to, goals to accomplish, or dreams to strive for, we get new beginnings. And what is more youthful than new beginnings?

Quote by author. All right reserved.

On Resolve

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on resolve new year's resolution
To help my four-year-old boys’ learn how to make a resolution, I purchased, “Squirrel’s New Year’s Resolution,” by Pat Miller. The core message is summed up when Bear, the librarian at Lonewood Library, explains a New Year’s Resolution to Squirrel. “A resolution is a promise you make to yourself to be better or to help others,” he says. “When we begin a new year we make a fresh start.” This year, the boys have resolved to carry groceries into the house. A solid first resolution.

In 2018, I will transition from being a stay-at-home-mom working part-time to a mother of school-aged children working…well, that is what I get to figure out. It’s not the first time I have realigned my goals with the entry of a child into school. My eldest is now twenty. Fifteen years ago, as he went into kindergarten, I attended classes at the community college, putting myself on a direct path toward what I dreamed of doing as work: writing.

Since then, I have received undergraduate and graduate degrees, published a poetry chapbook, as well as, several poems, essays and articles in various journals. All of this work was accomplished first as a single mother, then during the recession when my family (my eldest son and new husband) had to relocate for income, the birth and rearing of twin boys, and the care giving of my mother before her death in 2016.

I’ve also reconnected with family members, bonded new friendships, established a balanced diet and exercise routine, started a web development business, exorcised personal demons, became more engaged in my community, bought a house, and reared a child out of the nest and onto the path of his own artistic pursuits. For the past eleven years, I’ve enjoyed ever-strengthening, never-a-dull-moment, love and support between my husband and me.

What’s next?

2018 New Year’s Resolution

This year I resolve to write a personal and professional mission statement to define who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. And then, I live up to that mission.

Learning From My Previous Self

Developing a mission statement and business plan is not altogether new. Five years ago, two writer friends, Claire Guyton and Suzanne Farrell Smith, and I, decided to compose our own Writing Life Business Plans. Each following year we reevaluate and refine our goals.

The deep thinking involved, in creating and revising my plan, kept me connected to writing when two babies took all my brain power and energy. Not to say I hadn’t previously maintained tenacity toward my writing goals during busy times. But nothing kept me more focused (except the community of Claire and Suzanne) then taking the time to figure out where I was as a writer, where I wanted to go, and what I needed to do to get there.

Now I’m on the precipice of the boys’ enrollment in school. Not only will I have more time, I have five years of meticulous preparation under my belt.

My resolution is a natural extension of the Writing Life Business Plan. I don’t bring in enough income from my writing life (yet) to justify not having a second career. Luckily I enjoy web design, so the new mission includes my entrepreneurial pursuits as well. Work I hope to integrate more with my writing goals, creating something altogether new and unexpected.

My plan also addresses what kind of citizen I want to be in my community. Where are my talents and skills needed most?

The personal mission statement? It asks me to look closely at my moral foundation–the precursor to all of it.

Work More and Better

From my first blog post back in 2014: “I resolve to continue integrating my work with my art and my everyday life… I vow to do this year after year after year, turning my lifetime into a series of fulfilling days.”

My days are more integrated, and have become more fulfilling. But I’m not finished. Quite the contrary. 2018 is another year where I begin again, and one of the giants’ shoulders I stand on this time, are my own.

Quote and photo by author. All rights reserved.

On Refuge

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closerup air balloons with clown faces

One could say I have been settling into my new refuge since August. Painting walls. Trying to establish new grass. Greasing the wheels of routine. Through the hustle of transition, I require a bit more alone time than usual. Quiet time. Me-and-my-thoughts time.

I’ve also been preoccupied with #metoo. What it means personally, professionally, culturally, historically. I’m not alone, I know. For that, I am grateful. The question I keep coming back to is not about the victims in the professional realm, those who can file formal complaints, who finally have a road paved before them. It will be more difficult for those who cannot connect their abuse to a famous name. I do worry about them.

Right now though, I think of those in their private worlds where the crime doesn’t leave the walls of a home, a party, an acquaintance. The path to retribution is muddy and unclear. Where there still is no road. How do we reach them? How do they begin to give voice to their shame and sorrows? I don’t have the answers. I just know I don’t want to forget their strength and their struggle.

Two things to check out

1) Bill Finger, who I met in a Poetry & Spirit group at UUFR asked me to be a guest on his blog, Journey Cake Spirit. He asked me to tell of how I “met” the word palimpsest. I was happy to relive the time when I encountered the word, and how it changed my life.

2) I participated in the North Carolina Writers’ Network’s 2nd Online Open Mic. Sitting in the comforts of my office, listening to NC readers throughout the state, sharing our stories, I loved it. I hope you take a listen.

Excerpt from “To Have A House,” What Binds Us (Finishing Line Press 2017).

Photo taken by author. All rights reserved.